beep beep, beep beep, yea!
Summer is almost over, but not before that capstone summer holiday, Labor Day. I for one will not be traveling any great distance that day, as there are simply way too many people on the road these days. You did it on Memorial Day, you did it on July 4th, and you know you’ll do it next week. You’ll sit on the Garden State Parkway for seven hours like cattle to the slaughterhouse to do what exactly? Sweat. Hours of torturous traffic, then pay money to get on the beach, to sweat!
It’s to the point now that some people just shouldn’t be allowed to go out. We should institute a lottery. It could be like in elementary school, when the teacher would split you up into groups by having each person count off one through five. Each household will get an envelope in the mail about a month before each major travel holiday, with just a number on a piece of paper. Then a number will be picked at random at like 2 am. That’s right, you have to stay up for this shit if you wanna win. We can use a real lotto machine with the bouncing balls. We can even get Yolanda Vega to call the number.
Very simple - if your number gets picked, you get to go out and have fun, if it doesn’t, that sucks. Board games. Imagine the families sitting around the TV in the middle of the night, the numbered paper clenched in their fists, their eyes bloodshot from too much Red Bull and vodka.
“Man I hope we get to go to Uncle Jack’s shore house this year!”
“Daddy I wanna go to bed!”
“Shut up it’s almost on!”
“But I’m tired!”
“Here drink this.”
“It tastes like Mommy’s kisses.”
“That’s right, it’s good for you.” “C’mon 6!”
~*Five*~
“Dammit. Guess we’ll just try again next year. We’ll barbecue or some shit.”
Now if you get picked, we’ll send you a special sticker you put on your car that identifies you as one of the lucky winners. And if you don’t have a sticker, and you’re out driving, the state troopers will blow your tires out and lock your ass up for the weekend. Happy end of summer.
